Extra, Extra! Come and get your official Holy Horoscope from the re-restorer of the Mormon Zodiac, Mason Proxy himself! Yes, that's right you can order yours today by emailing Mason at [email protected].
What is a Holy Horoscope exactly? I'm glad you asked! You can think of it as a special blend of the Mormon Zodiac and a Patriarchal Blessing. It's served with a large side of smart-assery and lightly sprinkled with inspiration. It doesn't take itself too seriously but is oddly self-aware and woke AF. Here are some common questions: Where has this been my whole life? Not sure, but it's here now! Maybe the moment you are reading this was predetermined, and reading it now will benefit your life forever. Maybe you'll win the lottery. Maybe you'll become ten times more attractive. Maybe all of your wildest dreams will come true. Maybe nothing serious will happen, but you had a good chuckle. Who knows?! Consider your reading this as a prompting from the cosmos, we desire all to receive it. ;) Aren't Patriarchal Blessings free? Why isn't this free? These days, if you don't count the LDS price of admission (10% of your income), Patriarchal Blessings are free. They weren't always. The early patriarchs would charge for giving those blessings as a way to earn a living. In 1854 the going rate for a blessing was $1.50, or about $51 bucks in 2022 dollars. How personal is it? Is it specific just for me? All Holy Horoscopes are deeply unique but also not really. In that way, it's kind of like a Patriarchal Blessing. It may be similar to someone else's but it's still special and just for you! There are 768 possible horoscopes based on the content combinations, but add in your specific name and the date "revealed," and the horoscope is like really, really unique. Amazing isn't it?! You could say it's a "marvelous work and a wonder." When we say "content combinations," here is what we mean:
Shut up already and take my money! Wait, how much is it? Because of the sacred special significance of the number 8 (see the prior blog post) the cost is just $8. However, since there’s nothing more “Mormon” than bulk discounts, the cost for families is a bundle option of just $5 each. Immediate family only, folks, don’t go throwing your uncle Helaman into the mix for an easy Christmas present or something.
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Why Only 8 Zodiac Signs? Most people are used to seeing 12 zodiac signs (you know, Capricorn, Gemini, and so on). So why do Mormons have 8 and not 12? It's a common question, so here's a few reasons: 1. "Peculiar" is a TrophyMormons take pride in being a “peculiar people”. It’s a badge of honor! We are counseled to live in the world, but not of the world. Does wearing special underwear make logical sense? Does not drinking coffee provide any health benefits? Did polygamy seem normal? Of course not! Mormons aren’t supposed to “seem normal”, and neither should our zodiac. 2. "Doubt Your Doubts"We shouldn’t question what god says. His ways are higher than our ways, and stuff. If he says, “build a boat”, you build the damn boat! If he says, “kill your only child” or “cut off part of your genitals”, you’d be crazy not to do it! Am I right?! So, if the lord tells us that there are 8 zodiac signs, that’s how it is, so stop asking about it! 3. The Number 8 is like, Super Amazing!There are lots of reasons why the number eight is special, and it isn’t just special for Mormons. In Japan, eight is a really lucky number. Buddhism has the “Noble Eightfold Path“. And if you turn the number eight on its side, it becomes, wait for it… INFINITY! Holy shit! Of course, Mormons understand the importance of the number eight. When someone turns eight years old, they are ready to make a lifelong commitment to Mormonism by being baptized! They may not be old enough to get a part-time job, to vote, or even get a gym membership, but they are definitely ready to make a lifetime commitment to the religion that they were born into. Its known as the “age of accountability”, or the age when baptism becomes required. If a person dies at age seven years, eleven months, and 27 days, they aren’t accountable for their actions and they get a free ticket to heaven! No baptism required. However, once someone reaches that magical eighth birthday, they are sinful as Hell and need to be baptized clean so they don’t drag mud all over god’s perfectly cleaned Celestial carpets! The number 8 is also part of the most sacred, and awesome symbol of all time, the eight-pointed star. Mormons recognize this symbol as the “Seal of Melchizedek” and if you’re looking, you can find it everywhere -especially Mormon temples. In fact, the San Diego temple is one giant Seal of Melchizedek, filled with thousands of other Seals of Melchizedek stuffed inside of it. The symbol is so over-the-top for that temple that you’d have an easier time going to a Doctor Who convention and counting the sonic screwdrivers! Of course we had to incorporate the Seal of Melchizedek into our logo 🙂 Anyway, now you know why there are eight zodiac signs for Mormonism! Does this blog post answer all of your questions? If more questions arise, just refer to the reasons listed here -especially #2: trust god and stop asking so many dam questions!
Extra, Extra! Come and get your official Holy Horoscope from the re-restorer of the Mormon Zodiac, Mason Proxy himself! Yes, that's right you can order yours today by emailing Mason at [email protected].
What is a Holy Horoscope exactly? I'm glad you asked! You can think of it as a special blend of the Mormon Zodiac and a Patriarchal Blessing. It's served with a large side of smart-assery and lightly sprinkled with inspiration. It doesn't take itself too seriously but is oddly self-aware and woke AF. Here are some common questions: Where has this been my whole life? Not sure, but it's here now! Maybe the moment you are reading this was predetermined, and reading it now will benefit your life forever. Maybe you'll win the lottery. Maybe you'll become ten times more attractive. Maybe all of your wildest dreams will come true. Maybe nothing serious will happen, but you had a good chuckle. Who knows?! Consider your reading this as a prompting from the cosmos, we desire all to receive it. ;) Aren't Patriarchal Blessings free? Why isn't this free? These days, if you don't count the LDS price of admission (10% of your income), Patriarchal Blessings are free. They weren't always. The early patriarchs would charge for giving those blessings as a way to earn a living. In 1854 the going rate for a blessing was $1.50, or about $51 bucks in 2022 dollars. How personal is it? Is it specific just for me? All Holy Horoscopes are deeply unique but also not really. In that way, it's kind of like a Patriarchal Blessing. It may be similar to someone else's but it's still special and just for you! There are 768 possible horoscopes based on the content combinations, but add in your specific name and the date "revealed," and the horoscope is like really, really unique. Amazing isn't it?! You could say it's a "marvelous work and a wonder." When we say "content combinations," here is what we mean:
Shut up already and take my money! Wait, how much is it? Because of the sacred special significance of the number 8, the cost is just $8 (https://mormonzodiac.weebly.com/home/the-cosmically-sacred-number-8). However, since there’s nothing more “Mormon” than bulk discounts, the cost for families is a bundle option of just $5 each. Immediate family only, folks, don’t go throwing your uncle Helaman into the mix for an easy Christmas present or something. What do I need to do? Email Mason Proxy at [email protected] with the following info for each Holy Horoscope:
Heavenly Mother: Introducing the Mormon Zodiac Signs (Part 8 of 8)You may not hear about Heavenly Mother very often in Mormonism, but she’s an important part of the doctrine. Sure, God hasn’t ever really mentioned her, but that’s because He’s had way more important stuff on His mind — like getting polygamy going ASAP after the church was restored. (You think it’s easy trying to convince a middle-aged man to marry teenage girls? WELL IT’S NOT! Joseph was like, super bummed about it. So bummed that he started doing it long before even receiving the sealing power!) Just as men can become like God in the eternities and create worlds and stuff, women can become like our Heavenly Mother and create spirit babies and casseroles and womanly stuff. Heavenly Mother is the glue that keeps the damn universe together. Sure, God gets all the credit for creating things, but who do you think is doing all the difficult work behind the scenes? As the saying goes: “Behind every great man is an even greater woman.” Or more accurately, for Mormonism: “Behind every Celestialized man, is a huge multitude of Celestialized women.” Who's Your Mama?You might wonder why all Mormon prayers are addressed to “Our Heavenly Father”. Shouldn’t we also pray to our Heavenly Mother? Doesn’t she want to hear from her children? Not according to Gordon B. Hinckley: “I regard it as inappropriate for anyone in the Church to pray to our Mother in Heaven.” (‘Daughters of God’, October 1991 Ensign) Maybe there are so many Heavenly Mothers that we wouldn’t even know which one to pray to. So it’s really nice that God relieved us of that stress by telling us to pray only to Him — a man.We don’t know how many plural wives our Heavenly Father has, but if He’s anything like Brigham Young, it’s in the millions. “Brother Cannon remarked that people wondered how many wives and children I had. He may inform them that I shall have wives and children by the million, and glory, and riches, and power, and dominion, and kingdom after kingdom, and reign triumphantly.” (Journal of Discourses, Volume 8, p.179) Millions of wives and children — holy fetch! Can you imagine our Heavenly Father remembering all of those anniversaries? What the hell does He do on Mother’s Day?! The ultimate Mormon housewife, but in deity form, Heavenly Mother is juggling a lot of shit, but keeping it all together. You can sense the spiritual Zen, or the prescription drugs (Utah has a high rate of antidepressant and opiate use). Reference in Mormonism:Except for a gospel topic essay released in 2015, Heavenly Mother isn’t really brought up in church. Members aren’t supposed to pray to her: “I regard it as inappropriate for anyone in the Church to pray to our Mother in Heaven.” (Gordon B. Hinckley, ‘Daughters of God’, October 1991 Ensign). Perhaps this is because God is a polygamist and we wouldn’t know which mother to pray to.
Jesus Deer: Introducing the Mormon Zodiac Signs (Part 7 of 8)Have you ever talked with Jesus? In the woods? In the shape of a deer? No, me neither — that would be super weird. But Martin Harris did! The Jesus Deer zodiac sign is a tribute to that amazing and totally real encounter. Before you get all skeptical and sinful, let me explain why this is totally legit. This isn’t the first time that Jesus has been seen in the form of a deer. And it isn’t really that weird. I mean, it isn’t Old Testament weird or anything. Like, a bush that’s on fire but doesn’t burn, or a person turning into a pillar of salt. Now that’s some weird shit! Anyway, there have been at least two other accounts of Jesus appearing as a deer — to Saint Eustace in the 2nd century, and Saint Hubert in the 8th century. That makes Martin’s 1835 experience a third witness. And you know what they say about witnesses, don’t you? “In the mouth of two or three witnesses shall every word be established.” (2 Corinthians 13:1) If at least two or three people share the same story, it’s definitely real. That’s what we call the “law of witnesses”. And it totally works! Anything that’s corroborated by two or more people is completely true! Besides some of the really weird stuff, like UFO sightings, alien abductions, and heavenly visions that don’t fit the Mormon worldview. Those are just plain NUTS! Using the law of witnesses, Jesus has shown the world that he really likes deer! And he sometimes likes to pretend he’s one. (Hey, if you had unlimited God-power, you know that you’d be doing this kind of stuff too.) It’s perfectly normal to pretend you’re an animal. As a grown man. Even if you’re God. Crazy Martin Harris Stories You Missed in Church Speaking of witnesses, you probably know that Martin Harris was one of the witnesses of the Gold Plates. But you probably haven’t heard of some of the more interesting things about Martin — because for some reason, those things don’t come up during the church lessons. Here’s his experience seeing Jesus in the form of a deer: “He told a gentleman in Palmyra, after one of his excursions to Pennsylvania, while the translation of the Book of Mormon was going on, that on the way he met the Lord Jesus Christ, who walked along by the side of him in the shape of a deer for two or three miles, talking with him as familiarly as one man talks with another.” –John A. Clark letter, August 31, 1840 in EMD, 2:271 Pretty cool, right? Well, there’s more! Martin was a very superstitious guy, and was a lot more interesting than church lesson manuals had us believe. His experience with Deer Jesus is just one of many fascinating Martin Harris anecdotes. For more accounts and details, check out Mormon Think’s site, and this excellent blog post from Zelph on the Shelf.
Dignified and powerful, the Jesus Deer is a deified deer. He is represented with a supernatural glow, a crown of thorns, and a faint cross on its chest. Reference in Mormonism:Martin Harris, one of the witnesses to the Book of Mormon, claimed he once saw and talked with Jesus in the form of a deer. He said that it walked and talked with him for a few miles. (John A. Clark letter, August 31, 1840)
Zelph: Introducing the Mormon Zodiac Signs (Part 6 of 8)Have you ever wondered why God chose Joseph Smith to discover and dig up the Gold Plates? Was he just super righteous? Or was it because he had tons of experience looking for ancient treasure? Critics of the church like to point out that Joseph was a “money digger”, but they don’t understand that a claim like that only gives Joseph more credit. When it comes to digging for treasure in upstate New York, nobody had as much notoriety as Joseph Smith. Although none of his digs were successful per se, he was famous for his ability to find treasure by looking at a seer stone in a hat. The problem was that the treasure would have a tendency to slip deeper into the earth (major bummer). Porter Rockwell often heard his mother and Joseph’s mother talking about their dreams and comparing notes, and: “how the spades often struck the iron sides of the treasure chest, and how it was charmed away, now six inches this side, now four feet deeper, and again completely out of reach.” (Elizabeth Kane journal, 1872, published in Norman R. Bowen and Mary Karen Bowen, eds., A Gentile Account of Life in Utah’s Dixie, 1872–1873, (Salt Lake City: Tanner Trust Fund, 1995), 73.) This “slippery treasure” idea is similar to what the The Book of Mormon talks about when God curses the ground and keeps things that are buried hidden. (Helaman 13:31–36, Mormon 1:18–19) Even though those early treasure digs didn’t work out, Joseph’s practice sure paid off. God chose him to discover and dig up the Gold Plates, which weren’t his only successful dig. During the Zion’s Camp expedition in 1834, he and his men discovered some very significant human bones. From “Dark and Loathsome” to “White and Delightsome”God revealed the identity of the bones to Joseph in a revelation. They belonged to a man called Zelph — a Lamanite from Book of Mormon times. Zelph was special though, as his dark, Lamanite skin had become white because of his righteousness. As in, his dark-skinned curse had been lifted! He had aligned with the Nephites and fought under the great prophet “Onandagus”. What a guy! (Church History In The Fullness Of Times Student Manual, Chapter 12, -2003 edition) Unfortunately, for some bizarre reason, the names “Zelph” and “Onandagus” don’t appear in the Book of Mormon. Which is especially confusing for Onandagus, because he was so famous in ancient times that his name was known from the Rocky Mountains all the way to the Hill Cumorah in New York. Speaking of names, there’s a county named “Onandaga” in upstate New York, just 70 miles away from Palmyra, where Joseph grew up. Talk about awesome coincidence! God works in mysterious, even suspicious ways. Some may think the changing of your skin color is crazy and like… pretty racist, but it happened all the time back then. When people were wicked, God darkened their skin (1 Nephi 12:23). When they repented, God lightened their skin (3 Nephi 2:15). Total God move. The lesson is that people can change, just like God can change his mind about black people being unworthy to hold the priesthood. Another lesson is to always wear sunscreen! Not only does it protect you from skin cancer, it also helps you appear more righteous, because everyone know that righteousness and skin color are connected and of course there’s nothing racist about that idea! A true party animal, Zelphs are the center of attention and they own the dance floor. They can dance to any beat and rock any outfit. Reference in Mormonism:Joseph Smith identified some old bones as “a righteous Lamanite warrior” named Zelph, who had white skin like the Nephites. Although a major character, he doesn’t show up in the Book of Mormon. (Church History In The Fullness Of Times Student Manual, Chapter 12, 2003 edition)
“And their curse was taken from them, and their skin became white like unto the Nephites.” (3 Nephi 2:15) Beehive: Introducing the Mormon Zodiac Signs (Part 5 of 8)Have you ever noticed how much Mormons love beehives? They’re everywhere in Utah — if you’ve never noticed them before, start looking around and it won’t be long before you do. The word “Deseret” is another term for beehive, and Utah is very fond of it. Here’s some information about the state’s ongoing obsession with all things bees:
The list goes on, but you get the picture. There’s a whole shit-ton of beehive stuff in Utah, but why? Let me offer three reasons, listed in reverse order of importance:
Traveling with Swarms of BeesIn The Book of Mormon, the Jaredite people come to the Americas around the time of the Tower of Babel, and apparently, they liked to carry swarms of bees around with them. (Who doesn’t?) “And they did also carry with them deseret, which, by interpretation, is a honey bee; and thus they did carry with them swarms of bees, and all manner of that which was upon the face of the land, seeds of every kind.” (Ether 2:3) That’s right, they carried big-ass swarms of bees with them as they traveled! The beehive was already a symbol Brigham loved, but when he found out that there was a super special Book of Mormon word for beehive, he about lost his shit! In fact, Brigham drew up a huge area of land from Oregon to Mexico and requested that it be recognized by the U.S. as the “State of Deseret”. Sorry Brigs, the Feds rejected your proposed borders for the “State of Deseret” and scaled it down quite a bit. And sorry again Briggo, but they didn’t like the name “Deseret”, and decided to go with “Utah”, as in the Ute tribe of Native Americans. The image captures the love affair Mormons have with the beehive symbol and the word ‘Deseret’. A swarm of bees traveling on a Jaredite barge in a romantic Titanic pose. You can almost hear Celine Dion singing “My Heart Will Go On”. Reference in Mormonism:In the Book of Mormon, the Jaredite people traveled across the ocean in airtight barges. What did they bring with them? You guessed it — big-ass swarms of bees! (Ether 2:3)
Cain: Introducing the Mormon Zodiac Signs (Part 4 of 8)Have you ever heard a mysterious rustling in the woods? Was it at night, after telling spooky stories around a campfire? Everyone can relate to being spooked by sounds in the dark when they’re camping, because your mind is in a state of high alert. Sometimes the eerie noises you hear in the woods are just your mind playing tricks on you, but sometimes, they’re the sound of Bigfoot. Many people think that Bigfoot (Yeti, Sasquatch, whatever you want to call it) is just a make-believe creature. What they don’t understand is that this creature is real. It has a name and a story that goes back to the biblical days of Genesis. Bigfoot is none other than the first murderer: Cain. After he killed his brother Abel, Cain was cursed with a “mark” and plagued to wander the earth, unable to die and cut off from God and humanity. "A Fugitive and a Vagabond"God cursed Cain to be a “fugitive and a vagabond” (Moses 5:37), which explains why we he remains in hiding. Only rarely do we get a glimpse of Cain, through the occasional “Bigfoot” sighting. However, in early Mormon history we know of a very detailed encounter that was recorded and even made an appearance in Spencer W. Kimball’s classic book The Miracle of Forgiveness. (Such a great beach read, if you’re looking for recommendations!) The story is from an early apostle of the church, David W. Patten, in 1835: “As I was riding along the road on my mule I suddenly noticed a very strange personage walking beside me… His head was about even with my shoulders as I sat in my saddle. He wore no clothing, but was covered with hair. His skin was very dark. I asked him where he dwelt and he replied that he had no home, that he was a wanderer in the earth and traveled to and fro. He said he was a very miserable creature, that he had earnestly sought death during his sojourn upon the earth, but that he could not die, and his mission was to destroy the souls of men. About the time he expressed himself thus, I rebuked him in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by virtue of the holy priesthood, and commanded him to go hence, and he immediately departed out of my sight…” (Miracle of Forgiveness, Spencer W. Kimball, (1969) p 127) Cain is depicted here in the classic Bigfoot pose, but with a huge bag of cash as a nod to the “Financial” attribute of his zodiac sign. He isn’t the ferocious monster that people make him out to be — there’s a subtle kindness in his eyes. And His hatchet and campfire show a more civilized version of what people might typically imagine of Bigfoot. Reference in Mormonism:After murdering his brother Abel, Cain was cursed to be “A fugitive and a vagabond” (Moses 5:37). He and his offspring had black skin and “had no place among” the Lord’s people (Moses 7:22).
An early apostle of the church, David W. Patten, saw Cain as a dark-skinned hairy creature in 1835. “He walked along beside me for about two miles. His head was about even with my shoulders as I sat in my saddle.” (The Miracle of Forgiveness, Spencer W. Kimball, p.127.) Angel with a Flaming Sword: Introducing the Mormon Zodiac Signs (Part 3 of 8)Have you ever wondered why an angel would need a sword? Couldn’t they just smite your ass with the power of God or something? And why would the sword need to be on fire? Maybe just for intimidation? To cauterize your wounds so they can stab and slice you over and over again until you finally die a horrible death many hours later? I don’t know. Pray about it. We really don’t know why, and maybe that’s okay. It’s what faith is for, right? Not every mystery is meant to be revealed to us — God works in mysterious and sometimes really shitty ways. Like, have you read the Old Testament? At least God has calmed down a bit since then, because He used to be mean! Another mystery we don’t really understand is polygamy. We don’t know why, but we know it was super important for Joseph Smith to restore it, so God sent an angel to command him to take additional wives. Then God sent another angel. And finally, God sent an angel with a flaming sword to show Joseph that shit was going to get real if he didn’t get himself some more damn wives wives! God meant business! And it was time for Joseph to get down to it! (But he wasn’t happy about it, okay?) She wasn’t 14, She was “Several Months Shy of Her 15th Birthday”One faith promoting polygamy story is that of Helen Mar Kimball. It’s “faith promoting” because there’s literally no way to wrap your head around the story using logic. Cue the faith promoting piano music. Once upon a time in 1843, there was a girl who was “several months shy of her 15th birthday” named Helen Mar Kimball. Her father, Heber C. Kimball, promised his teenage daughter to Joseph as a way of purchasing salvation for himself and his whole family. (Who knew that teenage girls were Celestial currency?) Helen thought plural marriage was wrong, but she trusted her father. Even though she didn’t want to marry Joseph, and even though it broke her mother’s heart, she pushed forward in faith and became one of Joseph’s many teenage brides. See? “Faithful story”. Does that story make any logical/moral sense? Hell no! She was 14 years old, and she was used like a sweaty five-dollar bill to buy guaranteed front row tickets into Heaven for her entire family. But if you don’t want God to think you’re prideful, you better accept that it was His will. The Angel is portrayed as an athletic frat boy type who is proudly guarding a fruit tree — a reference to the Genesis story (Gen 3:24). He’s wearing a shirt that says, “Ball for the Lord” which could mean “play on the Lord’s team”, or “God will make you cry”. Both interpretations fit equally well. Reference in Mormonism:After Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit, God decided to guard the other important fruit tree, the “Tree of Life”. Who best to guard it? An angel with a kick-ass flaming sword, that’s who! (Gen 3:24, Moses 4:31)
Joseph Smith didn’t want to practice polygamy, but an angel with a flaming sword made him do it. (Life of Heber C. Kimball, p.321–325) Horse: Introducing the Mormon Zodiac Signs (Part 2 of 8)Have you ever daydreamed about the epic battles in The Book of Mormon? Who hasn’t, right? (The majority of people in the world.) Wouldn’t it be cool to see the Nephites and Lamanites at the Hill Cumorah, battling it out in that same place where the Jaredites (they called it the Hill Ramah) also had their epic battle? The Hill Cumorah is amazing. Most people know it as the place where the Golden Plates were buried, but it’s also the place where two epic battles took place. It’s the hill where the Jaredite people were wiped out, and then the Nephites 1,000 years later. These were cataclysmic battles, with over two million Jaredites killed (Ether 15:2) and about 230,000 Nephites killed (Mormon 6). Seriously?! 2.2 million dead people! So where are all the remains of those people, like their bones, their armor, and their swords? That’s a great question for Jesus in the next life, isn’t it? And what about pre-Columbian horses in the Americas? Why isn’t there any evidence for the horses and chariots that we hear about in the Book of Mormon? Make sure you add these questions and more to your “Things To Ask Jesus In The Afterlife” list. In the meantime, here are some apologetics! Straight from the Horse's Mouth - or was it a Tapir's Mouth?If you’ve wondered about pre-Columbian horses in the Americas during Book of Mormon times, wonder no more! Have you heard of tapirs? I hadn’t either, but holy shit! According to some Mormon scholars, tapirs could very well have been the “horses” that are referred to in The Book of Mormon. Just because actual horses weren’t in the Americas during that time doesn’t mean there weren’t other animals like tapirs that people could have rode around on. I mean look at them — don’t they just scream “viable transportation option”? I could totally see Captain Moroni or Gidgiddoni riding around on one of those (3 Nephi 3:22). And I bet Ammon was a top-notch tapir wrangler for King Lamoni, whose horses and chariots he apparently took care of! Just imagine their cute little bodies trouncing around — ADORABLE. Like a 50s-style modest dress from DownEast. This nerdy tapir has been studying some Mormon apologetics, and has learned that he is a horse! He’s taking a moment to see himself with this new found insight. Reference in Mormonism:Horses are mentioned 14 times in the Book of Mormon (e.g., Alma 18:9, 12; 20:6; 3 Nephi 3:22), but somehow there isn’t any historical evidence of pre-Columbian horses in the Americas. Some Mormon apologists believe the “horses” of the Book of Mormon could have been tapirs. (Fairmormon.org)
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Mason Proxy"Re-restorer" of the Mormon Zodiac: The True Order of the Cosmos! Also blogging about super true astrology and sh*t. Archives
May 2022
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