Extra, Extra! Come and get your official Holy Horoscope from the re-restorer of the Mormon Zodiac, Mason Proxy himself! Yes, that's right you can order yours today by emailing Mason at [email protected].
What is a Holy Horoscope exactly? I'm glad you asked! You can think of it as a special blend of the Mormon Zodiac and a Patriarchal Blessing. It's served with a large side of smart-assery and lightly sprinkled with inspiration. It doesn't take itself too seriously but is oddly self-aware and woke AF. Here are some common questions: Where has this been my whole life? Not sure, but it's here now! Maybe the moment you are reading this was predetermined, and reading it now will benefit your life forever. Maybe you'll win the lottery. Maybe you'll become ten times more attractive. Maybe all of your wildest dreams will come true. Maybe nothing serious will happen, but you had a good chuckle. Who knows?! Consider your reading this as a prompting from the cosmos, we desire all to receive it. ;) Aren't Patriarchal Blessings free? Why isn't this free? These days, if you don't count the LDS price of admission (10% of your income), Patriarchal Blessings are free. They weren't always. The early patriarchs would charge for giving those blessings as a way to earn a living. In 1854 the going rate for a blessing was $1.50, or about $51 bucks in 2022 dollars. How personal is it? Is it specific just for me? All Holy Horoscopes are deeply unique but also not really. In that way, it's kind of like a Patriarchal Blessing. It may be similar to someone else's but it's still special and just for you! There are 768 possible horoscopes based on the content combinations, but add in your specific name and the date "revealed," and the horoscope is like really, really unique. Amazing isn't it?! You could say it's a "marvelous work and a wonder." When we say "content combinations," here is what we mean:
Shut up already and take my money! Wait, how much is it? Because of the sacred special significance of the number 8, the cost is just $8 (https://mormonzodiac.weebly.com/home/the-cosmically-sacred-number-8). However, since there’s nothing more “Mormon” than bulk discounts, the cost for families is a bundle option of just $5 each. Immediate family only, folks, don’t go throwing your uncle Helaman into the mix for an easy Christmas present or something. What do I need to do? Email Mason Proxy at [email protected] with the following info for each Holy Horoscope:
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Mason Proxy"Re-restorer" of the Mormon Zodiac: The True Order of the Cosmos! Also blogging about super true astrology and sh*t. Archives
May 2022
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